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[Aug. 31st, 2009|07:59 pm] |
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im so fucking frustrated right now. all i want to do is see him and have sex. or not even sex, i dno. just seeing him would be nice. wow. i actually missed him this weekend. i must really like him. |
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[Aug. 25th, 2009|07:57 pm] |
im so happy right now. yes, i do occationally note down when im happy.
at first i thought my whole birthday, certain people situation was going to be fucking unbearable, and for about 12 hours it was. but i coped. and then he made it all better. we had sex all night it was amazing. just wow. |
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[Aug. 23rd, 2009|09:09 pm] |
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sometimes i think the unknown should remain unknown. i can't even talk to her now. theres way too much nostalgia. gross. |
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[Aug. 17th, 2009|12:06 am] |
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I'm a baaaaddd person. |
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[Aug. 14th, 2009|03:49 pm] |
seriously there has to be something wrong with me. so i've been seeing this lad. and at first i really liked him, and there was this sexual energy between us that was almost suffercating. and i really thought i had found something. but its only been like a week and i feel like i should step out before someone gets hurt. i've started to notice things about him that really bug me. for example, he is almost constantly shaking and nervous around me. i thought it was cute at first but now it just annoying. he isn't the best kisser. he doesn't seem to know what he's doing when we have sex, although i can forgive him on that one because i kno he hasn't been with that many people. i just i dno. i want some big whirl wind romance.
i just want what i had with jen. it was amazing.
and im so scared of hurting him now. its kinda obvious how much he likes me. i suck. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 4th, 2009|02:48 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | damien rice: the blowers daughter. | ] |
i feel like i have finally found someone. but i'm scared to let myself.
i'm finding this really difficult.
i'm scared of fucking up again.
there is no reason to not let this happen though. i owe myself that.
oh god i'm so nervous around him. it's a nice feeling though. for once. |
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[Aug. 1st, 2009|12:35 am] |
im such a complicated mess all the time.
im so lonely. |
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[Jul. 29th, 2009|12:43 am] |
this might sound stupid, i've started to watch the lword from the very start again, but this time i feel like i am watching it with completly new eyes. for example when jenny first meets marina and ruins her relationship with tim to become a lesbian, i feel like that was me and although when i first saw this i wanted jenny to be gay no i look at it and i hate marina so much for ruining the one good thing she had. she could have stayed with him, married him and lived happily ever after. but no, she chooses the woman who in the end turns out to be a complete liar and not the person she thought she was. my perspective on life has changed so much this year.
being with jen was the most confusing thing i ever encountered, and breaking up with her was even more so. i've been trying to figure out why i have been so unwilling to be with any other woman since her, and now i know. it is because i hate her. i hate her for blinding me. she made me think that she was the one i wanted, not luke. i broke up with luke not even thinking. i regret that decision so much. and although it proberly would have been inevitable that luke and i would split, what if we didn't. i could be with him right now so happy. with no confusion over my sexuality, ofcourse i would still be bisexual, but i would be happy. i would have no qualms about the idea of being with another woman and i would be fucking happy. i hate jen. i wish that the day i decided to choose her over luke, i wish i'd have known that she would completly screw me over.
thats why i hate her, she made me leave the one person who truly loved me. she made me fall in love with her. and then she just binned me like i never even existed.
i was so happy until i met her. |
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[Jul. 27th, 2009|01:23 am] |
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sometimes i feel like i am pining to be with the one person i will proberly never meet and even if i did he would never in a million years want me. |
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| bummer |
[Jul. 18th, 2009|10:30 pm] |
i have no idea what is wrong with me i just feel so bummed out today. last night was a little wierd but nothing so bad to make me feel like this.
i wish i was back in preston. i have no friends here. and the ones i do have, have their own busy lives and dont have time for me. fucking urgh. |
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[Jul. 17th, 2009|03:19 am] |
he keeps appearing in my dreams. i think its the 3rd or fourth time now, that i can remember.
its pretty hard not to fall in love with someone who keeps finding his way in time and time again. he is so fucking perfect. i wish it was real.
hands down the best dreams ever. |
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[Jul. 2nd, 2009|10:18 pm] |
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sometimes it feels good to screw over the people who screwed you over in the first place. i've never been one for revenge but when it comes to that person suddenly wanting your attention again after they fucked with your feelings then why should i give them the time of day. :) |
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[Jun. 20th, 2009|06:33 pm] |
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i had the most amazing dream about robert pattinson last night. he kissed me and it felt soooo real. just perfect. best dream everrrr!!! |
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[May. 20th, 2009|06:13 am] |
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i feel like i have a sexual addiction. this is awful. |
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[May. 17th, 2009|02:39 am] |
i think that the thing with nathan is me just trying to fill a space for something in that area of my life that is missing. and don't get me wrong i like him, but because i kno that what we have is only sex and he's using me as much as i am using him im not going to allow myself to fall head over heels with him, even tho that is proving rather difficult.
little things like when he texts me he never ever puts kisses on the end of them - stuff like that bothers me, i kno its stupid, but i want to feel wanted. not used.
we only have one week left before we both go home for summer and then don't see each other till septemeber, the thought of that makes me feel really nautious because i know im starting to really like him and i kno im gona be hurt by the end of this week. we've agreed that theres no point in taking what were doing any furthur than sex because whats the point when i wont see him for 4 months. it just sucks. i wish things were differnt. infact no, i wish i cud fucking find someone who i actually want to be with, not someone who just fills a gap for a little while. i would rather sleep with a boy (who is pretty good in bed btw) every time im pissed and feel good for a few days and then be in constant turmoil of is it going anywhere, than be cellebate and boring.
since septemeber i've had this god awful feeling that there is a reason for all this. the whole me not being able to find anyone. i hope summer brings something new. or maybe old. i just want to be in love, not heartbroken, and deffinatly not single.
sick of feeling like balls. |
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[May. 7th, 2009|04:06 pm] |
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nathan is a complete dick. i thought he was a nice person - obviously not. i don't even want him as a friend he's that much of a dick. i can do better. |
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[Apr. 23rd, 2009|06:49 pm] |
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im really nervous about tonight. |
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